On November 1, 2002, Jan Andersen heard the news all parents dread: her son Kristian was dead at age 19, the victim of suicide from a heroin overdose. In her own words, Ms. Andersen states, “To many, suicide is a dirty word…What I discovered was that the stigma and lack of understanding surrounding suicide confined many grieving families to a world of silent, relentless torture.” Thus began her journey into not only grief but also her memoir/self-help book, “Chasing Death: Losing A Child To Suicide,” hoping to dispel some of those myths while, at the same time, offering comfort to similarly situated parents. Cathartic as she claims it was to write, Ms. Andersen’s painfully poignant book is surely to be healing to other parents who have experienced the loss of a child in such a way. While many books about loss and grief tend to be overly clinical, this book is a refreshing exception in that it leaves no emotional stone unturned in its realistic albeit brutal honesty. The book starts with the story of Kristian from his birth to his death, and the author’s sharing of her beautiful maternal feelings begins her myth-dispelling by reminding readers of how very much loved suicide victims usually are. In her words, “When a child completes suicide, there is inevitably a sense of failure on the part of those who have been left behind, not least of all the parents. They will always reproach themselves for past words and actions, but no parent is perfect.” This kind of validation is sure to be soothing to those whose lives have been upended by their child’s sudden self-inflicted death. From there, Ms. Andersen boldly and unabashedly rips the reader’s heart out with detailed observations of dead bodies, morgue visits, funeral home duties, and police inquests. Quotes from other grieving parents are peppered throughout the book in support of the author’s various opinions and feelings. In writing her book, the author’s most fervent wishes appear to lie in the hope that A.) her son did not die in vain; that his life stood for something, and B.) victims of suicide are not always selfish for taking their lives because, based on her interview of other parents whose children left behind notes to survivors, many do so with the misguided yet eerily noble hope of alleviating other people’s suffering, not just their own. Ms. Andersen lays bare her deepest thoughts and feelings, no matter how foreign they may seem to those who have never walked in her shoes, and by doing so, she teaches us all a lesson in compassion. The book stops short of telling the reader exactly what friends can effectively say to a suicide victim’s parent that would be welcoming to their grieving ears. Instead, the author dutifully cuts to the chase and reminds her audience of the worst of our good-intentioned oral blunders both at the funeral and after. Knowing what NOT to say is itself helpful to any reader. Of interest is the author’s personal take on spirituality and how hers has kept her sanity from totally unraveling. Although terribly one-sided in its opinionated and oftentimes chastising presentation, the author’s take on her New Age religion does give the reader hope that a belief in a Higher Power of some sort is indeed helpful to many who grieve. Ms. Andersen states, “Grief cannot be quantified. It doesn’t fit neatly into a pre-defined package of (sic) organised emotions experienced at set times. It will very often be a lifelong process, but should not prevent us from re-investing in life.” Although she reminds us that her grief will always be a part of her, Ms. Andersen encourages and uplifts readers who may be searching for a reprieve from grief’s sting by telling them that “these (grief-related) thoughts no longer occupy every waking minute. Some days are worse than others, but the gaps between the awful days when I feel as though I am drowning are becoming longer.” Indeed, the message in her last few chapters is clear: coping with loss is all about learning to manage grief so it doesn’t interfere with your present life’s happiness. Wise words from a wise soul who has taken a tragedy in her life and turned it into a triumph for her readers. ~Julie Donner Andersen (no relation) is the author of “PAST: Perfect! PRESENT: Tense! Insights From One Woman’s Journey as the Wife of a Widower”. Her website is http://www.juliedonnerandersen.com.

How does a parent ever cope with losing a child, let alone to something as unthinkable as suicide? On 1 November 2002, Jan Andersen discovered the answer to that question firsthand when her eldest son Kristian ended his life. However, instead of giving up on life as so many would, she began to channel her grief into what I can only describe as an incredible piece of writing. Not only has the author tackled an immensely difficult and highly emotional topic, but she has articulated her thoughts, feelings and experiences in such a way that the reader can vividly picture the scene and almost feel her suffering. Despite the author’s own admission about the repetition of certain “trauma” words, she has successfully managed to assimilate these limited words outstandingly to convey a powerful picture of grief and love that I am certain will touch the hearts of all who read the book. The first chapter tells her son Kristian’s life story, beginning at the point where she is sitting with him at the hospital following his suicide, then tracing his life from his birth through to the time when she last saw him alive and concluding with the scene in the hospital where the chapter began. The following chapters continue from the trauma of the immediate aftermath of the suicide through to the funeral, the inquest and the years ahead. The author hasn’t just covered the suicide of her own son, but has included a plethora of experiences from families around the world, all in different family set-ups. She has included experiences from grandparents, siblings, stepparents and so on, so that no one within the extended family has been forgotten. Chasing Death is a heartbreaking, but outstandingly-written book that I had difficulty in putting down.

Chasing Death: Losing a child to suicide is a raw, heart-wrenching, inspirational account of the effects of suicide on the families of those left behind, particularly when the individual who has been lost was a young - a child: son, daughter, brother, sister etc. In writing her very personal account, spanning 7 years of feeling an indescribable loss, Jan crosses the bridge on taboo subjects surrounding what the experts say you should or shouldn’t do and feel in grief. This book reaches the reader on many levels, brings an infinite web of support for those who have experienced similar tragedies and brings questions of the soul to the surface for everyone, including those who have not been touched by the effects of suicide. Jan stares pain, death and grief in the face and demands answers from them whilst at the same time bringing humour, hope and faith through her words to the reader.